Stupid bands (Jesuit) have stupid cover art (their discography)

Wow, so edgy. Women are evil and it's cool when they're dead. So original too. Let's go stab skinny bitches with big tits in the heart with knives and strip them except for high heels and some kind of lacy thing and wrap them in barbed wire and wait until they rot. It will be cool.

Here's their self-important description from Deathwish Magic Bullet:

JESUIT were an unrelenting, noisy hardcore band from Virginia Beach, VA. They existed from the mid-90′s up until the changing of the century. In their wake, they left a rather nice-sized dent in the intensely-PC witch-hunt/”safe space” era of DIY hardcore. Whereas events attributed to Charles Manson are often credited with bringing a savage and brutal end to the peace, love, and drug culture of the 60′s, events surrounding bands like JESUIT and GEHENNA not only elicited controversy at every tour stop, but pushed a movement toward hardcore finding its more violent, unpredictable, and entirely irreverent roots as the “Portlandia” cult of 90′s hardcore crashed to a halt.

Taking the old "controversy" route in an attempt to substitute for lack of substance. Style over substance, except I don't think Jesuit had that either. Zzzzzz....I like the part where they swipe at safe spaces (it's easy for men to not have to ever consider such a concept - what are those bitches crying about?) and refer to people trying to make their scene a better place, eradicating hateful manly shit as a "PC witch-hunt." Did Rush Limbaugh write this? Thanks to people like the men of Jesuit and their mentalities, hardcore is about as dumb as it ever was. Jacob Bannon, you should be ashamed.

In reality, this band was bad. I don't know anyone who ever liked them. They recently played a pointless reunion show and no one gave a FUCK that they were playing. For the whole time. People left when they played, I'm assuming cause the band was just that breathtakingly original. People went off for the band before them and the bands after them, but the room stood still when the mighty Jesuit played. I guess they were just awestruck.

I'm not one to talk about what hardcore is "really about." However, at the very least, hardcore has historically been a rejection of "them" and "out there." It's a counterculture, or was. Shit like this is just aping the mainstream to the fullest. It's just one more round in the never-ending hail of bullets coming at women the world over. It's not that I hold out any hope, in the least, for hardcore or punk to become some revolutionary, redemptive or even benevolent force (more to come on that in a later post), but I do want to take the time to point out how fucking shitty this record cover and the concomitant (lack of) thought process are. This is worse than a Motley Crue record. At least those guys liked women (as well as looked like them). This is the kind of thing one should expect from Avenged Sevenfold or  Buck Cherry. This has everything to do with the mainstream. This challenges nothing. Women are put down at every turn. Women are sexualized constantly. They are told they are not good enough. Let me help you with that. Their efforts are "cute." Their bodies are routinely violated with impunity. I'll kill you if you fight back. Daily media blitzkrieg sensory overload says you are fat. Don't try, because you will likely fail. Give it up. Just take it. Know your place. Slut. If that's what you're into, stay in the fucking bar where you and your numbingly mediocre band belong. Offending people is not hard. In this case, it was a replacement for having anything worthwhile or creative to say.

I guess this record cover is their last hurrah, their final go at those PC Police. WE'LL SHOW THEM. YOU CAN'T SILENCE JESUIT. Sorry I'm such a faggot guys. I bet you'd never call me a nigger though. Cause that's just not cool, right?

Aside from the thoroughly anti-woman, misogynistic theme and aesthetic, the "art" just sucks. It's fucking stupid. Super trashy. Who likes this shit? It's about as cool as this:

Edit: Oops on the Jacob Bannon tip. I saw this listed in the Deathwish store and assumed it was from them. Made sense, with Nate Newton and all. However, as a commenter pointed out, it's on Magic Bullet. In that case, Brent Eyestone should be ashamed.

Bands who aren't afraid to tell it like it is, part 1

This is the first installment of a long series about bands who just say what's up. They don't give a fuck. They are the Howard Sterns of music - they say what everyone's thinking but no one wants to say. It's all about cutting through the bullshit. Clarity, you know?

So the inaugural honor goes to Godsmack and their new single, "Cryin' Like a Bitch." Man, who can't relate to that? I say that all the time. I hate when people cry like a bitch.

I find that the sexist-fueled attacking of masculinity is very effective. Here are a few examples:

1. Sometimes when I'm beating a dude's ass real hard and he's about to tap, he'll start cryin like a bitch. And I'll call him on it. I'll be like, "UR CRYIN LYK3 A BITCH!!!11!!" And he can't say anything, cause first of all he's crying (which brings me to my next point), but he's cryin like a bitch, so what is he gonna say, "NO, I'm not cryin like a bitch?" Cause he is, you know? So I'll jump up victoriously and run around the octagon and be like, "HEY EVRY1, HE IS CRYIN LIKE A BITCH, DO YOU SEE HIM? THERE ARE TEARS!" And it's true. Then everyone sees it. They see that I won, too.
2. It works well as a noun, too. When I'm out driving in my truck, and I see someone who either unintentionally makes me feel threatened or looks like an easy target, I'll say, "Hey cryin like a bitch!" And then when they look over, I'll be like "What the fuck are you looking at, cryin like a bitch?! I'll make you cry like a bitch if you keep it up, bitch." And then they stop, you know? Cause they don't want to make me make them cry like a bitch. No one wants to go anywhere cryin like a bitch. I would bitchslap them back into place, fuckin little bitches.

Fuck yeah. You feel it?

Getting the Postal Service right

And all it took was long hair, v-neck shirts, autotune and a lot of Jesus. Everyone knows that the Postal Service was one of the worst bands of all time. They had no screaming, their guitars were not even distorted and not one song was about God. Thankfully, Confide has come along and righted every single wrong in the Postal Service's "Such Great Heights." The title of that song was ironic cause it sucked so bad and sounded like Satan, but the new one rules so much and is pretty much the aural equivalent of all-over print.

I was hanging out with them when they were dragging the song's lifeless body from the lake of fire, so I can provide you with a little exclusive insider information on its genesis:

"Bro, God be blessed, let's do it with super-distorted, shitty sounding guitars."

"You stupid fag, praise the Lord, of course we will do it like that."

"Hey bro, keeping in mind that I hate Satan, maybe we could also throw some autotune in there."

"Well yeah, we will slide that to the drummer, cause Christian mall-metalcore drummers always love autotune, which is God's gift to the world."

"Sikk bro, sikk, God is so great, I figure we should also insert a sick, sick, brutal breakdown in there."

"HEAVEN yeah bro, HEAVEN yeah."

"Man, we are gonna bang so many fourteen year olds with this one, God willing."

"I hope so bro, if it is God's divine providence."

John McCain sez:

"'to be as good an American' as the passengers and crew of United Airlines Flight 93."

So make sure you are.